How Loki Stopped the War
by ClassiqueMystique
Summary: Loki's just a wee bit angry. Inspired by an episode of Family Guy. *A little extra was added. Enjoy!"
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **How Loki Stopped the War

**Author: **Classique Mystique

**Pairing: **Thor/ Loki

**Rating: **M for language

**Warnings: Un-Betaed, ONE SHOT, Crackfic**

**Summary: Loki's just a wee bit angry. Inspired by an episode of Family Guy. **

**Disclaimer: **I unfortunately own nothing, and I make no money from this fic.

**Timeline:** Not based on the movie or the comic books, or the mythology they entail. This is purely from my imagination which has clearly run away…

**Author's note: **I am all for constructive criticism, but I will not tolerate flames. As an aspiring author, I thoroughly enjoy feedback, both good and bad. Flames however are uncalled for and will be reported. Thank you.

**Thor's POV**

Sometimes Loki could be a scary individual. I am not talking about his razor-sharp tongue or his snarky personality either. I am talking about times such as these where he went into an all-out rage. I mean the war had literally just begun and by the looks of it, it was soon to be over.

Currently I stood next to Hogun, Fandral, Volstagg and Sif on the frozen wasteland of Jotunheim. Thousands of Asgardian soldiers were also present though they stood a few feet back. And we all stood in shock as we watched Loki tear through the gigantic, meanie-looking Jotuns without restraint. Balls of energy, sharp daggers and beams of ice either impaled or imploded our enemies. Meanwhile we just stood around acting pretty lame and pathetic while we looked on. Loki would not even let a Jotun get near us and if we tried to assist the trickster god, he would growl at us and threaten to hex us if we intervened. So in the end I just stood there twirling my hammer with a huge pout on my face.

Sif rubbed at her eyes. "How long do you think this will last?"

Hogun tossed his dagger up and down in the air like it was a child's toy. "Until the war is over I assume," he replied.

Everyone nodded to that and Fandral leaned in close to me. "You do realize that whenever Loki gets a temper like this, that he's expecting right?"

Yes I knew that, but what could I do? If I tried to prevent my brother from fighting while carrying then he probably would have froze my balls off. I simply shrugged at my comrade and gawked at my Loki as he literally brought King Laufey himself to his knees in a matter of second.

"Enough," Loki screamed. He panted in exertion, his shoulder length black hair thoroughly disheveled. The remaining living Jotuns all stopped in their tracks. "Dull creatures, the whole lot of you! This war ends now."

It had not even been an hour since the war officially began.

Loki currently stood over Laufey, his boot pressing into the Frost Giant's neck. "How dare you threaten my home—my family. I should kill you where you lay."

I walked over to my seething lover slowly, just in case he thought I was an approaching Jotun, turned around and blasted my ass half way across Yggdrasil. "Loki my love. Spare him. You have already killed over 95% of his people. They are no longer more harmful to us than one of the Allfather's farts is to Frigga. Let us leave this place and be done with this madness," I said encouragingly. When he did not budge, I pulled out a cup of chocolate pudding from one of my many pockets. Loki stared at me and the tempting treat long and hard, eventually acquiescing to my request. He snatched the pudding from my hand and raised his foot off of Laufey, allowing the rigid snowman to breathe once more.

Yet before I could beam myself, my beloved and my friends back to Asgard, I felt a sharp pain in my nether region. I looked down with wide eyes to see that Loki had my groin in his hand. Behind me Fandral and Volstagg chuckled but Sif and Hogun quieted them with a blow to the back of their heads.

Loki glared at Laufey and the remaining Jotuns. "This is mine," he punctuated with a particularly harsh squeeze to my royal melons. "This is where my babies come from. So back off!" He squeezed me again only this time I could not help but to whimper like a kicked puppy. "If anyone threatens me, my husband, or his kingdom again, then I will gladly stick my foot up their frozen, fairy cake ass."

Loki swiftly turned towards me, his face etched in an expression between furious and extremely horny. "We are going home now," he said, dragging me towards the platform by my cock. I began to vocally protest but I realized that that was not the smartest thing to do. Without hesitation, my lover and brother backhanded me across the face. "You are going to be balls deep inside my hole within the next thirty seconds whether you like it or not mister. And if you are not fucking me so good that I can practically taste your cock in the back of my throat, then there will be hell to pay. Got it?"

I sobbed frightened and nodded my head. Tears streamed down my face. Loki gave me an appraised look. "Good boy," he sneered.

He stomped off towards the landing platform with me and my friends in tow. The only thing I could hear above my friend's snickers were the sounds of dying Jotun everywhere and Loki muttering something along the lines of "Fucking Jotuns… bunch of whining frozen pussies…none of those fuckers have even endured childbirth before…."

THE END

PLEASE REVIEW


	2. Chapter 2

How Loki Stopped the War: Part Two

I thought this story was done, but because I saw the episode "Lethal Weapons" again, I thought I could add a little more.

Warnings: Complete Crackfic! Un-Beta'ed

**Thor's POV**

I did not know what to expect when we returned to Asgard. Loki was in a right foul mood and because of that, the others—my friends—had scattered as soon as we were transported back into the Bifrost. I watched them flee with a pitiful whimper, but without a choice, I followed my lover as he made his way back into the palace.

The walk was brisk but endured in silence, and before long I found myself back in our shared chambers. Loki immediately walked into the bathing chamber, but not before he growled at me to 'prepare' myself and await his return. And when he did return and I found him standing naked and glistening wet from his recent bath in our doorway, I grew more afraid of him than I could ever recall.

I began to fidget under his heavy yet lustful stare. "W-what are you l-looking at L-Loki…pookey…honeybear…..my pummie-ummie –umpkin?"

He merely glanced a few inches down. "Your trousers. Loose them."

I nervously refused.

"Take them off, now!"

I felt another tear slip down my cheek. "But sweetie cant we just cuddle," I asked. When Loki charged at me, I screamed like Fandral usually does when he realizes that he's out of hairspray.

**THORKITHORKITHORKI**

Even as time passed Loki's mood ceased to lessen. However when I stopped blubbering like a baby I realized that my brother was truly an ass-kicking machine—one that I could use to my advantage. He was a force to be reckoned with and I had no shame in either saying so or manipulating him into doing my bidding.

That's why when the remaining Jötunns tried to attack I made sure that Loki was ready and mad as hell to deal with them.

We were on the Rainbow Bridge watching as wave after wave of Jötunns emerged from the Bifrost. With a smile on my face I walked forward, my hands shoved into my pants pockets.

"Jotunheim sucks. Your casket sucks. Laufey's a fairy…and he sucks, " I said calmly, knowing that as soon as the offended Jötunns charged, Loki would demolish them all.

It took him ten minutes, but Loki had wiped out the rest if the entire Frost Giant race.

And wipe them out he did. In fact, no one was left standing. At once all of the blue freaks came at me but Loki had rushed ahead of me, growling all the while that the Frost Giants were a bunch of upright frozen blue turds who never learned.

**THORKITHORKITHORKI**

Back in bed, I held Loki tightly in my arms. From out closeness I could feel the little flutter of movement in Loki's belly. I placed my hand on the swollen mound. He sighed in content.

"I am so glad that I got all of that out of my system," said Loki.

I kissed the top of his head. "Yeah, I wonder what came over you," I said thoughtfully.

"Perhaps I am just naturally violent," he said sadly.

"I don't believe that. I think it's all of the fanfic that we read. There's just so much weirdness in them sometimes," I said.

"You know what Thor? I agree. Why the hell doesn't our government just step in and tell us what we can or can't read? I mean if they don't censor us, then we could all be reading absolute rubbish like stories about two kings fighting to mate with one of the kings' brother, or some other garbage about a lion tamer who sleeps with a stranger in public!"

Loki sat up, completely in full rant mode. "And shame on FANFICTION for hosting this stuff anyways."

I sat up in a panic. "Um Loki, Loki. Maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the website ."

Loki glared at me. "Why? What are they going to do, remove this st—."

THE END , lol


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